The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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