why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
