I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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