drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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