I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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