so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
