It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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