I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
