Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
