god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
