...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize