The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There r osticjed everywhere
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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