Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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