i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she pinky promised me she was 18
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
