You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it was like eating out sand paper
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
