i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my shit smells like andre
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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