So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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