he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
