she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
