Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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