its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
