Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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