I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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