so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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