Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
