I think im going to throw up on grandma
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
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