Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
