Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
