I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
