oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
