so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
