I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
