Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Quick, to the slutcave!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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