Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
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