I just threw up on my dentist
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
