Need sex. Gaining weight.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
