We're facebook friends in real life
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
