im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
