You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just forgot I was standing up.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
