I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
