OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
