I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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