finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
