I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
