Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
