cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
