Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize