thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
