Im at strip club and am horny
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let's get the cat blown out
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize