U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
