Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Oh god it's open bar.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
