you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
