i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
