Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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