Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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