I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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