So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
