I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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