I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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