matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
