I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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