My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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